I’m not really sure of my place in the world these days, of who I should be or want to be. Be myself, for better and for worse, or just hide myself, pretend to be happy while letting out my feelings when nobody is around to see me cry. Do I keep loving the wrong people? Do I love some people too much, or do I love them not enough? Do I love some people when I’m depressed, and others when I’m happy? If so, which are the people I love the deepest, the one’s I love when I’m happy or the one’s I love when I’m depressed? Do I even truly know what love is? Is my idea of love wrong? I don’t know. I never talk about this stuff, because talking about love and sex is something that has always completely and utterly terrified me to death. But I’m unsure of the purpose of life, so I’m writing about love, and I guess sex too.
How I Love
When I do love, I love with a full unconditional passion greater than my love for anything, Oregon Ducks football included. Depression eats away at me, slowly, day by day killing me, but I still love life. I don’t love MY life, but I love life in general. The idea of life, I love. I love people. My goodness do I love people. Ugh. I hide it the best I can but I love so god damn much. Sometimes I love the wrong people, get stuck on the wrong people and/or unable to forget someone who didn’t value me and I worry it hurts the people who have always seen value in me. I don’t love people more or less than other people. My love is always growing. The more time I spend with anybody, the more I love them. My love is never ever constant. If I spend one day with you, and then I spend a second day with you, I will love you twice as much on the second day as I did on the first day. Family, friend, or future partner. My heart is like the universe for each person in it. Which is why I hate showing feelings, because I’m always inevitably going to be the person in any relationship who loves more. Those playful I love you more fights couples have, I’ll always win those, no matter who I may eventually be with.
I love unconditionally. I literally don’t care about job status, money, grades in school, mental or physical health etc. I mean, I do, but when people struggle, I don’t leave. If I love you, I love you and that’s that. I always try to be there for people I care about. Sometimes I’ve been told I’m too selfless. That I need to put myself first at times, but it’s hard to do that because once I think about myself, depression will control those thoughts. So I’m always constantly thinking about other people. How to make others happy. How can I be there for other people. I’m always hoping that if I love with everything I have, if I’m selfless to a fault, maybe the people I love will love me with such an unending passion that it makes up for the lack of love I have for myself. That for as much as I feel like I wasn’t meant for this world, someone else’s world isn’t complete without me.
I’m not a love at first sight person though. I’m too shy when I first meet people, or if I haven’t seen a person in a long time, I’ll be quite shy. I need time to get to know someone. I don’t love lightly, and it’s like, I don’t want to go through the process of having breakups and starting over again with new people. I don’t want to get married and then divorced. I don’t like starting over again. So I take my time because if and when I’m with the right person, they will be the most loved person in human history. What I lack in initial excitement, I more than make up with over time in how much I love. Like I said, my love is always growing. When I fall for people, I keep falling. If I love someone, each time I see them, I love them more. I can hear the same person’s voice every day and it will sound sweeter each time. I never get tired of loving. I could spend a lifetime with a person, live until we’re both 90, and I would love her an infinitely more amount when I’m 90 than I am when I’m 50. I could make love to the same person for the rest of life. If I hug someone I love, I want to hug them again. I’ve never kissed someone, and the thought of one day kissing someone’s lips is kind of frightening, but I also know if and when I kiss someone, I’ll want to kiss them again. When I kiss them a second time, I’ll want to kiss them a third time and so forth. That’s just how I love. I love exponentially. I sometimes hate myself for that, like I’ll try to make myself love less, but it never works. My heart is just put together that way. In my heart, I truly think I still don’t love quite enough. That I still need to learn to love even more. But this world makes it a little hard to love.
SEX & Spirituality
This may either be weird or sweet or I don’t know, but when I think of sex (yes I think of sex like any other human being) I try to think of it in a spiritual way. Whenever I think of sex in a normal way, like I imagine having sex for the sake of having sex, it scares me. The thought of one day maybe having sex scares me, as strange as that may sound. I’m not sure if there’s any one reason for that. Part of it is the thought of being naked with a girl, even if it’s someone I absolutely love. I don’t really enjoy being naked, even when I’m alone, like taking a shower. I sincerely don’t like my body, which I shouldn’t say but I’m going to be honest to a fault here. I’m not fat or overweight or anything, if anything I’m pretty much at the minimum weight for guys my age and height. I can run like the wind, some say I run like a bunny! I’m athletic and stuff, so physically speaking, my body’s fine. It’s not perfect, I could get healthier and uh sexier, but my body isn’t a mess, so to speak. The only times I get sick are when I’m dehydrated in the summer. Enough about my body. I just have this fear of being naked. I never even walk shirtless, even at home. Going swimming is terrifying. Heck, wearing a short sleeve shirt is scary to me. I hate my body being seen, I feel too vulnerable. I do have social anxiety, maybe that plays a part? I don’t know. Anyways, sorry, back to sex.
So yea, the me being naked part scares me. Also, a girl getting naked, with me, seems a little scary too. Me being naked with a girl who’s also naked. Then the idea of, well, to avoid the really awkward terms, my body joining with the body of said girl. Or, to be more specific, since I’m a guy, me being inside her. To be inside another person, um, uh, why? Also like, since it’s two naked bodies joining together, there’s the skin on skin contact. I feel like that’d be too much for me. I get all weirded out whenever someone’s hand accidently brushes mine. Forget sex, just the idea of holding hands with someone sends me into a complete panic. If the possibility of holding hands with someone scares me so much, why would I ever want to have sex. Dear brain, please stop thinking about sex, like forever, thanks.
Also, sex is often thought of as, well, dirty. It’s kind of messy. Our bodies do certain things. There’s nothing wrong with that of course, it’s just messy. So that makes me uneasy. Being naked with a girl, and like, having sex, which is naturally messy, just makes me like never want to do sex.
But I do want to love someone so much that I want to share my body with them. I do have good thoughts about sex. I don’t like calling it sex though, or thinking of it as sex. When I have the good thoughts, I think about making love to someone. Yes, I know sex and making love are the same thing, but I think of it differently, for whatever reason. Sex is like the physical part, the, you know.. the sex! When I imagine making love, it’s emotional and spiritual. It’s way more than sex.
To me, the way I picture making love, it’s a whole body experience. It’s not just about that one male body part and the two female body parts. Sorry I’m too uncomfortable with saying them! When I say whole body experience, I mean, from my perspective, or from the guy’s perspective, it means to make love to all of her. To still kiss her forehead, to kiss her lips. Even before getting to the part where the two bodies join, kiss her wrists, kiss her arms, kiss her hands, kiss her shoulders, kiss her breasts, kiss her stomach and her thighs, kiss her knees and calfs, kiss her ankles, kiss her feet and toes. Lick/eat her uh, well, you know what. In other words, go down on her. Make her bloom like a flower, because that part of a woman is literally the shape of a flower. When going down on her, make her feel like she is the Garden of Eden. Or as I think of it, worship her body, worship her. Make her feel like a goddess. Treat her first. Love her. Love every inch of her. Love every part of her the same, which is with full love. Make her feel like perfection, that all of her body parts, her shape and size, all fit together literally perfect.
When it comes to the bodies joining together, the way I think of it as, is well, like, if I make love to a girl, I want to make her feel like she’s the universe. I hope this doesn’t sound too awkward, but like, if she pushes you in deep, take her into outer space. Make her feel like she’s floating in space. Every deep thrust, take her deeper into space. Take her to Mars. Make her look at you like she’s looking at the night stars. Take her to Jupiter. When you have to pause quickly, have her land softly on Pluto. Then take her beyond the solar system. Make her gasp, not from orgasm, but because you’re love is so deep she feels like the universe. Make love so deeply, she’s taken you to the next galaxy with her. Make her hold on tighter because you’re taking her to the outer limits of the universe. Make her feel like the dust of stars that she is made of. Make her feel like light. Make her feel like she can see the origin of the universe. Love her so much that time stops, that you forget you are two people having sex. Make so much love that you literally forget you are two people. Make love to her in a way where your two spirits connect to become one. You forget where your bodies begin and end because you’re connected in more than physical ways. That the physical part is almost forgotten. Make so much love to her that as deep inside her as you may be, it’s not deep enough because you’re truly trying to make love to her heart and her body is getting in the way. When making this much love to her, look into her eyes and see her sparkle. Kiss her glowing cheeks. Hold her hands while you take her into the deepest parts of space. Make her feel like she is all life. When you make her wet, and make her sweat, make her feel like her water is the Great Lakes. Make her feel like she is the water of earth. Make her feel like her water is the water that gives life. Since she is making love to you as well, make her feel like the love she makes to you is the big bang. Make her feel like her love for you created the universe, all the stars and planets. Make love until your bodies physically can’t go any longer. When your bodies can’t go any further, lay there with each other, all cuddled up, until your two spirits come back to earth.
Also, with sex, my generation seems to be obsessed with the whole ‘netflix and chill’ thing but when I imagine making love, it’s usually outdoors. I sometimes will imagine being in some secluded area on the banks of a river at night making love under the night stars. That would be wild, not as in crazy, but as in wild, like being free, to be truly human. To have the chill of the wind, the dirt of the soil, the fresh oxygen from the trees, the sky filled with stars, the fish swimming by, to hear the bugs or rabbits or other animals. To howl like a wolf. To know there’s maybe a deer walking by 100 feet away. I always think that would be the sweetest way to make love to a person, is in nature. To be wild with them. Sometimes I picture being on top of a hill at sunset making love. Obviously, it gets cold during the winter here, so these are probably dreams meant for the summer months. I still have a hard time imagining making love to a person on a bed or couch, or just simply in a house. It feels less free, less wild, less spiritual.
Making love should be so spiritual that afterwards, when laying with your partner, you don’t even think of sex. It doesn’t cross your mind that you just had sex, or that you’re naked with your partner. So yea. That’s how I think of it to lessen my anxiety. But that’s probably why I’m unlikely to find someone who loves me as much as I love them, because when I truly love, when I imagine possibly having sex/making love, that’s how I imagine it.
Our society kind of views sex as this other thing. This thing we do, it’s hot, erotic, dirty. We do it spontaneously. If two people hold hands, it’s sweet or cute. If two love birds are cuddling, it’s sweet and adorable. A kiss is sweet. Those are all shows of affection, displays of love. Obviously, you don’t have sex/make love in public like you can with holding hands or kissing, but I always wonder, why can’t making love be seen as sweet? Also, why’s it always have to be spontaneous? Personally, if someone I loved told me they wanted to make love to me, I would find it sweet and special. Like, no spontaneous kissing and ripping shirt off. A text or call or hand written letter saying something like ‘Hey I really want to make love to you’ or something like that. Obviously not sent out of the blue randomly, but if I ever get told that, I will feel kind of cherished, like I’m special to someone. Also, in terms of how I think of making love, I think it makes it more special, not less, when it’s planned out. To have that time set aside in a day to just go on a magical journey with your partner. Maybe it’s the build up, maybe I like the idea of being able to get excited for something. It’s like with Oregon football games, I’d always get to my seat 90 minutes before kickoff and watch the warmups, and as the minutes ticked down, I’d get more and more excited, then just go absolutely crazy with passion during the games. Perhaps I picture love making the same way.
One of the other things with thinking of it as making love is because with sex, it’s kind of just a physical experience, and I’ve seen how people can get tired/bored of having sex with the same person after awhile, because it loses the fireworks, so one goes looking for a new hot person to get it on with. To make love is to bond, and if you’re making love, you’re MAKING love. You’re creating love. If you make love, every time you make love to your partner, you are loving them. You are growing your love. Making them feel more and more loved. Becoming more connected. Seeing each other in new ways. Falling further in love. From what I think, however naïve I may be, if you make love, it will only get better each time. If you make love, you will love your partners physical body more and more, because it will be more than sex. Making love with your partner is bonding time. Where it’s just the two of you. You care about them, you love and cherish them, so if one day you make love and you take your girl to Jupiter, the next time you make love you’ll want to take her to Saturn. There are endless places in this universe to take her to when making love.
So yea, when I think of sex, I try to think of making love, because to me that seems sweet. Sex seems terrifying to me, but taking and going with someone to the outer edges of the universe and experiencing the magic of life, that sounds sweet. But alas, nobody thinks of sex/making love like that, except me, which is partly why I wasn’t really meant for this earth.