Honestly speaking, I pretty much have no clue what BDSM is. I’ve known the term for a little while now because it’s been kind of a running meme joke on twitter since the FSOG movies, but I didn’t actually know what it meant, what it entails. I’ve never seen the FSOG movies. Not going to say publicly what made me finally decide to google the term ‘bdsm’ but I did this week, but it didn’t come from my own mind.
Apparently, the B is for Bondage. The D is for either Dominance or Discipline. The S is for submission or Sadism. The M is for Masochism. Yes, I’m that severely lacking in knowledge of sex that I had to look that up. I know what sadism is, finding pleasure in the pain and suffering of others. Masochism seems to be finding pleasure, especially sexual pleasure, in one’s own pain and suffering. Bondage, in terms of sex, is the tying up or restraining of one’s partner. In general terms though, it’s the state of being a slave. I know what discipline, dominance and submission all are.
Anyways, this isn’t meant to disrespect anyone, but I sincerely don’t get the appeal of it. It doesn’t seem right to me, even if both partners consent to it. Someone on twitter got mad at me for asking if it was some sort of disorder. If you’re having sex, why would you want to be sadistic? If sadism is involved in BDSM, what separates it from sexual sadism disorder, or is it indeed sexual sadism disorder? Does a person who likes and practices BDSM have sexual sadism disorder, meaning they find sexual pleasure in the pain and suffering of others?
If you’re having sex, why would you want to be tied up or be restrained? Why would you want to restrain your partner? Sex is part of life, for all animals, not just humans, and thus it is natural, it is wild, it is free. Shouldn’t you want to be free and wild with sex, shouldn’t you want your partner to be free and wild? I don’t mean wild as in making the bed shake really hard, I mean wild as in unrestrained, as in you’re as free as a cheetah roaming the African Sub-Saharan. As free as a comet speeding through the solar system. Two people, two universes coming together to become one for a moment of time. Bondage being a form of slavery, why would you want to be a slave even for fun? Where is the fun in that? That might be pleasurable, but it sure as hell isn’t a healthy pleasure, I don’t think.
Discipline requires the use of punishment. Like, sweet Jesus why would you want to punish your partner during sex? Why even punish your partner at all in a relationship? If your partner does something you don’t like, communicate that to them, let them know whatever they said or did hurt your feelings and if they apologize sincerely and do their best to make it up to you, forgive them. Then when you get to have sexy time, have some fun. Be loving and gentle while being free and wild.
Submission just sounds stupid, no offense. There are obviously many different sex positions that give one or the other more control, but that doesn’t mean submission. You should always see each other as equals and always be helping each other to enjoy healthy sex as much as possible. You’re a team. Also, there’s way more to sex than just the penetration part. You can still kiss each other’s lips, you can still cuddle, hold hands, kiss their cheeks and forehead, press your foreheads together. Sex is supposed to be a way to connect and bond with someone, to show love, to admire, adore and worship your partner. Not submit to them or have them submit to you. No submission, be free and wild, be messy.
Lastly, masochism. Finding sexual pleasure in your own pain or suffering. What? Why? How? I don’t get it. Even if you’re consenting to it, why would you want your partner to hurt you? How is that not some sort of mental disorder? Finding pleasure in one’s own pain just is all sorts of wrong. To be honest, I see it kind of like self-harming. If cutting feels “good” because it releases overwhelming feelings, because seeing yourself bleed feels like letting your thoughts out, because it quiets the mind, then obviously the cutting/self-harming results from depression, a mental illness. Cutting is a coping mechanism, an unhealthy one, but still a coping mechanism nonetheless, just like drinking or smoking. If, instead of cutting myself, I gave a blade to someone else and consented to them cutting me, would that be alright? It’s not violence right, because I’m consenting to it? It’s okay for me and another person to do that because we’re consenting to it so therefore the violence is justified because it brings us pleasure? My point is, if cutting is a result of a mental illness, then why is masochism, finding sexual pleasure in your own pain, not considered the result of a mental illness? It’s still violence.
So yea, that’s just what I don’t get about BDSM. I don’t get how it’s viewed as simply a kink. I don’t understand how it’s seen as okay even if both people consent to it. It’s just, to me, it’s violence, just justified and consented violence. Also, what is the history of BDSM? Has it always been around or did it tag along with patriarchy? I’ve heard the argument that it can spice things up from having the same sex all the time, implying normal sex gets boring. Now, maybe my DNA is wired together differently, but if having sex with the same person gets boring, you’re most likely not emotionally and/or spiritually present with your partner when having sex. If you and your partner think of sex as a way to spend time together, to connect with each other, to bond together and show each other love, it will never get boring. So yea.
I don’t think finding sexual pleasure from violence is healthy. I don’t think it should ever be controlling and painful. When we’re naked, we’re just like the rest of the animal kingdom, we’re wild. Sex should be wild and messy. It should be full of love and passion. It should be emotional and spiritual. It should be nurturing and healing. It should even have laughter. Yes, sex should be goofy and fun. Sex should be happy.
But hey, I’m probably wrong. After all, I know nothing about sex and relationships. Someone please shoot me so I don’t have to be so unhappy anymore in this world in which I wasn’t meant to exist in. I was a mistake.
adamkendall2 