I don’t know what to do. I don’t like this world. It’s all so wrong. Everything seems so fake. What is the purpose, the meaning, of life?
You’re born. You become a child and go to school. You go to middle school, then high school. And for most, you go to college. Then you leave college, and you get a job. You work for 40-45 years until you’re 65 years old or so, and you retire. Then you grow into old age and die. And the universe continues on for billions and billions of more years. We’re so insignificant in the history of the universe, our lives in the history of just our planet’s history are insignificant. We’re just a footnote in time, and yet all we do with our lives is go to school and work. We go to school for years and years just so we can get a job for the rest of our lives. What is the purpose of life in that? Just feels so meaningless. Life seems so worthless.
I couldn’t keep going in school, because I couldn’t overcome depression. *cries* I tried my best. *cries* Had two good terms in a row, before getting swallowed up again. They only let you mess up so many times. I could’ve switched to a school at home, where I’d have a fresh start, but I can’t. The whole thing of college was to be a Duck, for real. *cries* For whatever stupid reason, that’s what I love, Oregon. Eugene. I didn’t know what I wanted to do going into college, but I figured, being in Eugene, close to U of O, something would find me. Found my passion for the world, for human rights, animal rights, protecting and saving nature. Discovered urban and regional planning, which would have and still would be perfect for me, if only I could make it through college. *cries* I couldn’t make three good terms in a row to stay there though, so I had to come home. *cries*
Been here summer and fall now. Summer was busy with weddings and all, and I needed a break to just figure out what next to do. Try school at home or get a job. Just can’t commit to school, although I miss it so so so much. *cries* I miss learning, so much. *cries more* I more than anything want to make my dad think of me as not a failure. I want to make him proud of me. *cries*. But I just fear so much I can’t overcome my own thoughts to do well in school for more than two terms in a row. I’d just be wasting dad’s money, or my own money, cause I have enough now to do two or three terms. But I’m so terrified, because I’ve struggled so much and I don’t want to fail again but I don’t trust myself. I don’t have anyone who believes in me 100% to be there to help me keep my thoughts on good things day in and day out. *cries* We live in an individualistic society, which itself is a cancer on the planet, but nonetheless it’s the way the world is now, but I’m not an individualistic person. I can’t do school, much less life, without others. So right now, I can’t go back to school, because I wouldn’t have the support I very much can’t succeed without. *cries*
So that leaves me with trying to get a job, as much as I hate that because in my heart I’m not one to give up, I still want to be in school so badly. *cries* Yesterday, I tried… TRIED… to get a job for Amazon. Something just to get by on for a little while, save up some of it incase things change and I can go back to school. It’s like a retail job, in Bellevue. The interviews were in Lynwood though. It said just show up with Photo ID, but for good measure I dressed nice. Strange, I know, me dressing up. I.. well, we, because my twin Alex went too. He needed a new job because he had to resign from his old one because they wouldn’t give him time off for one of our cousin’s weddings. Anyways, we get there, and it’s in this nice hotel, which already felt wrong to me. They send us into this conference room with laptops set up. Just walking into the room though, I was already fighting back tears. It felt so wrong, so fake to me. I felt so worthless just walking into the room. Being in the hotel made me feel so much like a failure, like I’d give an arm just to be back in school. And I see people, like us, coming and going into this room. So they have us sit with other people at the laptops, and start answering these online survey questions. As I’d find out quickly, that was the application. It was, do you strongly agree, somewhat agree, neither agree nor disagree, somewhat disagree or strongly agree on lots of questions. Usually, even in stupid surveys like that, I’ll answer honestly, because I don’t like lying, even to strangers. It’s more so that when I lie, I know I’m lying, like, I’m lying to myself more than I am to others, and I can’t stand lying so I’m most of the time honest even when it hurts. But at this “interview” aka on the application, I was putting in answers that weren’t honest because I just wanted it to seem like I didn’t want the job. I wanted them to reject me, so I could at least have an excuse for having not taken the job. Anyways each passing minute just felt worse and worse and worse. Sitting in a conference room filling out questions on a laptop in a nice hotel for a retail job at Amazon… it just felt so fake to me. I look at the other people, even the conference hosts, the people hiring for Amazon. There’s no excitement, no passion, no heart. Nobody really wants to be here. I felt… I felt like a robot. Like, this can’t be real. I can’t be real. I feel so empty being here. It was 50 minutes into this thing, nearly an hour, and I was breaking inside, barely not crying. On the application, it asked if you’re willing to do a drug test. Naturally I said yes, even though saying no would be the easiest way to get rejected but I wanted it to look like I was actually somewhat interested. But inside, I was just like, no. Why would I do a drug test, however easy it may be, for a job I truly whole heartedly don’t want. I’m already enough of a failure. I finished the application, and moved on to the personal questions. It asked for my social security number, which I still haven’t remembered. I don’t have a card so yea. I could’ve texted my dad for it, but being stuck there, I just shut down. I truly felt so worthless, everything felt so fake. I wasn’t going to text my dad for my number, because as long as I don’t have my number, I can’t answer the question, and if I can’t answer it, I can’t finish the “interview” process and go on to the drug test, and then after that get hired. Alex texted him for my number and my dad texted it to me, but I just got up and walked out of the room. I was done. I walked into the hotel lobby and sat down and just cried for like half an hour or so until Alex got out. I just wanted to leave the hotel. But also, the thoughts of suicide, because I know it won’t get any easier. The future just seems so bleak, again.
Alex got the job, said it was the easiest job he’s ever gotten. I didn’t regret walking out though, as hopeless as everything seems for me. In the car ride back home (he drives) I even joked, with tears in my eyes, how even if I had stayed and gotten the job, I wouldn’t have lasted one hour on the actual job. I don’t know how to describe it, but, I feel things, deeply. For better and for worse. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It felt fake. Everything I hate about this world, it felt like that. I couldn’t do it. I know the dark sides of every company, Amazon included, because of Binding Chaos and Death Eaters, and OpCanary and all that Heather Marsh has done to show everyone the way the world is run, but that wasn’t on my mind. Maybe that knowledge is what makes my heart have the feelings it does, but it wasn’t in my thoughts. It was just feelings. In the car though, and talking with my dad after, it’s like, I’ll have to try again. I’ll have to work at some place which I despise. I’ll have to violate my own moral values, I’ll have to swallow my pride. I know I’ll make a terrible worker at most places, because I’ll never be happy wherever I am. I won’t last a day without arguing with the boss about turning wherever I work into a worker owned co-op. I won’t last a day without telling everyone all the human and environmental abuses of whatever place it is I end up at. I’ll just be a wreck, like I was in the Amazon conference room. Also though, I just know, I can feel, I’d be so unhappy, more than I already am. Working some meaningless worthless job will just make me feel so worthless, so much an utter failure at life, I know I’d fall back into cutting every day, deeper and deeper until I’m back in the hospital. I’d probably buy rope too and try suicide again and again until I’m finally for once in my life successful at it.
I fucking hate it. This isn’t what I’m supposed to do. I’m not meant to be just another worker at some giant corporation doing meaningless work just to make money to live. Living requires money though. I wish we had a universal basic income so I could get away from here, explore the world for awhile. Play basketball. Get a gym membership. Go swimming every week. Go snowboarding on the weekends. Get massages once a week, so my body isn’t so weighed down by my thoughts that it keeps me from functioning. Live in my own place with someone special in whatever city I want. Everything requires money though, and in our society, without a college degree, the only jobs are fake jobs, and I can’t do fucking fake jobs because my heart just won’t let me. I’d rather truly die than work somewhere which makes life seem so meaningless. I so just want to go back to school but I can’t do it on my own, I need someone who loves me so unconditionally, someone who makes my heart so happy that life seems like magic, someone who keeps all the negative thoughts away, someone who calms me down when I get upset over the stupid little things involved with school.
With the whole feelings thing, again, I don’t really know how to describe what the feeling is. The same feeling I got being at the Amazon jobs thing, I get the same feeling when I think about getting my drivers license. Just thinking about being behind the wheel in a car gives me that same feeling. Where, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t do it. My heart won’t let me do it. I can’t physically do it. I can’t drive a car. The same way I feel about meaningless jobs, I feel about cars. I don’t want to get into environmental stuff here, although that’s for sure part of why I get the feeling I get, but.. I just.. hate.. cars. I hate cars. I just do. It sucks enough having to be driven around places. I often feel guilty because it’s not fair to everyone else in my life that I hate cars. That I can’t just swallow my pride or whatever and get my license and an old car and drive myself around. Being responsible as they say right? Aka individualism. If I can’t take the bus or light rail or train somewhere, someone has to drive me. I always want to just apologize to everyone for being the way I am, for being put together how I am. I always dream, if I was the Supreme Leader of the universe, there’d be public transit everywhere. No cars. You could get from anywhere in the world to anywhere else in the world all using fast public transit. BRT, light rail, monorail, subway, High Speed Rail, maglev, airplanes. But that’s just my stupid little dream.
Another thing where I get this feeling, where something is just.. it’s just wrong to me, is online dating. It feels so very wrong to me. I avoid speaking of relationships in public, it absolutely terrifies me, but I can’t stand online dating. To me, it’s like a cancer. For whatever reason, it’s just always been wrong to me. Whether it’s a feminist thing or not, I sincerely don’t care, it’s just so wrong to me. It feels wrong. To me, that online dating exists as a thing, is a failure on the part of society. If people are resorting to online dating for relationships, well… society is broken. People have lost hope in the goodness of other humans if they resort to online dating for relationships. I don’t want to say online dating is for cowards, because I know decent people who have tried it, but really, whomever reads this, if anyone reads this, you’re better than online dating. There are good people out there. Just have patience. The right people, the right person, will come into your life, naturally, if they aren’t already in your life in some way. I’ve been hurt a few times, each heartbreak being infinitely worse than the one before, and I could easily lose hope and just go on Tinder or OKCupid and I’m sure it wouldn’t be difficult to find some matches. I’m sure I’d end up on dates with a cute girl or cute girls, but I don’t give in to online dating because it just feels wrong. My heart would never let me do that. I couldn’t go to sleep at night if I did online dating. I’d likely punish myself for doing it. It just… feels…. Wrong.
Anyways yea, sorry. I don’t know what to do right now, with life. I feel so misplaced in this world. This world feels, not for me. The only things enjoyable are playing basketball, bowling, watching college football, and writing. I keep thinking of doing a podcast, like a political podcast, but I’m too shy to do it on my own. I sometimes think of trying acro yoga, but it’d cost money. I mean, I have money, but I’m trying to save it in the event I have the emotional support to go back to school and succeed so I can get the job I truly want and would be happy with. I’d help coach basketball with my best friend, he wants me to help, but communication with him has been difficult as of late. I just feel so overwhelmed with the world, with everything. Life feels so utterly meaningless. I just feel worthless, like a failure, again. It hurts, feeling this way.