S.A.D Diary

Orlando Edition (If you want to support Orlando, go here https://www.gofundme.com/293sukvn)

Sorry I didn’t write anything yesterday. The Orlando massacre made my anxiety go crazy. I know the killer was a bigot with a history of domestic violence and on an FBI watch list, but I also saw him described as “mentally unstable” which is usually code language for mental illness. Whenever I see a gun violence tragedy where the killer is called “mentally unstable” or they say directly he/she has mental illness, I just shut down. It makes me scared to be open and honest about my depression because I worry people will treat me differently. If mental illness is tied to gun violence, then people I love might be afraid to get too close to me because hey I have mental illness so they may think I may be the next “mentally unstable” person to go shoot up a community. So yea, whenever these gun violence tragedies happen, at least when it comes to talking about my struggle with depression, I just crawl back into my shell.

Mental illness does NOT cause gun violence, I just want everyone who doesn’t already know that to know that. Bigotry causes gun violence. Sexism causes gun violence. Racism causes gun violence. Islamophobia causes gun violence. Homophobia causes gun violence. There are many things which cause gun violence. Mental illness is not one of them. A mentally ill person who’s also a racist may shoot up a minority community, but he/she did so because they are a racist, not because they are mentally ill. In that case, even the mental illness does not act as a trigger or contribute to the violent outburst. The person’s breakdown leading to the violence is caused by their racism.

Depression doesn’t cause gun violence. OCD doesn’t cause gun violence. ADHD doesn’t cause gun violence. Anxiety doesn’t cause gun violence. Schizophrenia doesn’t cause gun violence. On and on and on. Mental illness doesn’t cause gun violence.

Now, in terms of my cutting. The only reason to worry about my cutting is because, well, you really care about me and don’t want me hurting myself. People who self harm, like myself, we do everything possible to hide that we cut. We do it when nobody will see us. We hide the blades. We never physically endanger others with our cutting blades, because aside from that we’re angels to others and only hurtful to ourselves, to show our blades would give away our cutting, the thing we do everything to try and hide. Plus, if someone who cares a lot saw or found our blades, they’d either ask us to throw them away, or they’d take the blades from us and throw it away themselves, because they don’t trust us with them. So yea.

In terms of guns, I hate guns. I despise guns. I’ve never had a gun, and I’m never going to. I don’t even want to ever touch a gun, or shoot one for practice at a gun range. I hate guns. I hate bombs. I hate drones. I hate nuclear weapons. I hate fighter jets. When it comes to weaponry, I’m an old fashioned kind of person. Swords. Bow and arrows. Spears. Shields. Balls of sticks lit on fire rolling down a beach or launched from a tower. Riding in on horses. That kind of stuff. If you watch the movies King Arthur, Troy, Kingdom of Heaven, Braveheart, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Anyways yea, hope you get the idea.

Anyways, this whole post was just me being full of anxiety. Every time mental illness is even somewhat tied to a gun violence tragedy, I feel like I have to say that is not me. Also just, for all the other’s who do suffer from mental illness, I know they feel stigmatized like I do when gun violence is even a little bit attributed to mental illness.

With all of that said, the people who need the most love and support right now are the people in Orlando, and the LGBT community.

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