Social Anxiety & Depression Diary

I struggle A LOT with social anxiety and depression, and recovering or getting better has just never gone smooth for me, so I figure maybe I should just try writing about it. Depression is highly stigmatized, and I’ve always just wrote off my social anxiety as just me being really shy, so hopefully by writing about it, depression is more understood, and same for social anxiety. I just hope that if I write about trying to recover, what everyday is like with depression and social anxiety, that I won’t have to fight my daily battles all by myself anymore. I’m strong, but I’m not that strong. Depression alone is really debilitating, and social anxiety on top of that is just.. well.. it’s not really fair. I don’t cope in healthy ways. I cut. I haven’t cut in at least a week though, maybe two. I don’t remember. My most recent cuts have faded for the most part, and it usually takes around two weeks for my shallow cuts to fade, so yea. I don’t keep track of when I last cut, because focusing on not cutting drains my energy. It’s much easier to not cut if I just don’t think about it when the urge isn’t there. I’ve attempted suicide before, a few times. Sorry. Those thoughts come and go. I haven’t tried in a number of months. I know I should never try it, but yea. I go to therapy. I’m starting medication, again. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the one’s I do have, they make me happy. I do mean happy. They make everything go away. I watch sports. I don’t love sports the way I used to, but I still enjoy them and more than anything, they provide an escape, a distraction from my thoughts. I watch Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Kimmel too. I sometimes listen to music, never enough, but that’s how depression is. It stops you from doing what makes you happy. School is really difficult. It’s nearly impossible to focus, study, do homework or much less do well when every passing second I have thoughts telling me I’m a failure, I’m worthless, I suck, I’m ugly, on and on and on. I had to stop going to class this term because I just couldn’t overcome the voices. But the two previous terms I was able to get a 3.5 and 3.0 GPA which was honestly a miracle. Every term my goal is to get a 4.0, because I know I can do that. I honestly expect that. Depression always has other ideas. It sucks, because I looooooooove school! I love learning. Anyways, I try to exercise. When I do go for a run, or play basketball, or do pushups, it feels amazing. But depression makes it so I never have the energy to get exercise day after day after day. Lately, I’ve found it that I have to drink a shit ton of caffeine just so that my brain is so wired up that I literally can’t sit and overthink, thus forcing me to go for a run. It’s not healthy. Also, I always have to exercise at night, because my social anxiety makes it so I’m terrified of being seen exercising. I go shopping too at night, when there’s less people. That’s social anxiety for you. Anyways, sorry this was really long. Starting tomorrow, I’ll just write about each day. What my thoughts were like throughout the day. Did I get exercise. Did I socialize. Did I do something which makes me happy. Did I cut myself. Just like, you know, a diary of trying to overcome depression and social anxiety. And if you read these, then you can like, offer support and stuff. Encourage me to do things that depression makes really difficult. And when I do well, give compliments like you’re really proud of me or something like that. I don’t know. I’m trying my best to get better, so just help make recovery easier in whatever ways you can and yea.

2 thoughts on “Social Anxiety & Depression Diary”

  1. I think this is great that you recognize your mental health issues and work hard to work through them. Yes, there is a huge stigma with mental health, which is unfortunate. But some people give up. You’re not giving up. In addition to blogging & exercise, I used a sleep schedule to get me out of my extended bout of depression. Other people in my support group at NAMI call it sleep hygiene. I start my bedtime routine at 10:30PM almost every night. I wake up no later than 8:30AM even if I don’t have to work. Once I was able to have more energy and not be a rock on my couch, I started filling my days with a set schedule. I rented books, I buy puzzles, I make jewelry, and I work on home improvements. I started small, with the goal of accomplishing 1 thing per day. So morning routine of breakfast, take care of dog, watch my cheesy shows (Family Feud etc.), and games on my phone. Then read or do a small project. Eat lunch about 12:30 almost everyday. Exercise in the afternoon at home on my treadmill or bike. Sunday at the gym. Eat dinner. Have a nighttime wind down with playing games on my phone. I also suggest going on (it’s not a dating site. lol). Look up activities you like. I’m part of an introvert group now. When I first moved to NC I was part of a 30 something group. It’s a tool to find people who you can meet and may have similar interests. Book clubs. Kayaking. Strategy board games. Look up Cognitive Distortion, which I do a few on the list, and supposedly a lot of people with anxiety & depression have these thoughts. Figure out which ones you do and then look up strategies to help not do that. It takes YEARS of trial & error, making progress and falling flat on your face again, but over time it does get better. I promise. Each day is a challenge for me, but I have lots of support & tools that I use. Some days I don’t need to open my toolbox. Some days I need all my tools. Keep searching for techniques that work for you. Never give up hope or stop trying. You will succeed. I promise.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s