My Campaign Strategy

In today’s political climate, it is impossible to become president as a third party candidate, so my fellow idiot friend Devon Manber aka God says I’d have to run as a Democrat or Republican. As far left as I am, a million miles to the left of Bernie Sanders, but still a leftist, so my best chance would be running in the Democratic Party. Obviously, I need to win the primaries first to get the party nomination. With how radical some of my platforms are, my chance of winning would literally be zero. With that in mind, Devon aka God, Alex Miles aka Grandpa, and my twin brother Alex aka The Legend have helped me put together a campaign strategy that is as crazy and idiotic as our own personalities.

No wealthy donors would support my platforms, except perhaps Al Gore and Tom Steyer who might support my climate change platform. So for raising money, I’d have to go entirely grassroots like Bernie Sanders and Kshama Sawant. However, I wouldn’t lack for media attention because Devon would have me use Donald Trump’s strategy of keeping the media attention on me. Instead of saying racist misogynist things though, I would just do crazy fun idiotic stuff. Basically, the stuff I already do with my boys. These things I’d do would get me media attention without hurting my campaign.

Since you’re all interested in what kind of things I’d do to attract and keep media attention, let me tell you! I would go scuba diving with sharks. I would go skydiving with supporters while raising money. I’d climb a mountain. I’d go surfing and wingsuit flying. I’d do a 720 on a snowboard pipe. I would do the Party Boy dance in a speedo in public. I would go streaking. Hell, if I’m married and my wife agrees to it, I might even make a sex tape. That’d get everyone talking! I’d go from a barely known candidate to a candidate everyone knows. Young people would love how fun I am.

For fundraising, most of it would probably come in small online donations, but I’d also have fundraising events that allow for lots of people to participate while getting media attention for the unconventional settings. Every Tuesday, whichever city I’m campaigning in, I would have a fundraising basketball tournament, where my supporters get to form teams and compete against each other and try to beat my campaign staff team led by myself. Every Thursday, wherever I’m campaigning, I would have bowling tournament fundraisers. I would also have fundraisers at bars, waterparks, ski resorts and other such cool fun places. The best place I would have fundraisers at would be strip clubs. Those would be my expensive fundraisers because those who come get to see presidential candidate Adam Kendall get up on the pole, as well as give personal sexy dances. Who would pass up that chance? I would actually have a legit reason for having fundraisers at strip clubs, because most if not all strippers and exotic dancers only do those jobs because it’s a source of money to make ends meet in a society that doesn’t give women the same job opportunities, and I’d be a radical candidate outside the accepted political arena trying to raise the money I need in any way possible so I can win. Long story short, I’d be in solidarity with strippers and exotic dancers. So yea, basically all my fundraisers would be super fun and they’d all get media attention. I’d have the most fun exciting campaign ever.

I would use twitter and facebook every day to connect with supporters. I would do frequent AMA’s on reddit. I’d post cool fun pictures on Instagram. I’d also create a youtube channel where I would make weekly videos, as well as to serve as a media outlet televising the basketball and bowling tournaments.

Since no wealthy donors, party establishment people or politicians are going to support most of my platforms, I would try to get endorsements from lots of well known pro sports players in the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB and other leagues. Athletes always have more popularity than politicians, so if I can get them, I come off as the really cool candidate. I would also try to get endorsements from famous actors that could realistically support some of my platforms, like Matt Damon, Robert Redford, Robert Downey Jr and Angelina Jolie, to name a few. Director James Cameron could support my climate change platform and thus endorse me. I’d also go for singers everyone loves, like Taylor Swift, Macklemore, Demi Lovato, Eminem and bands like Death Cab For Cutie and One Republic.

Before speaking in each city, I would look up the important local issues that matter there so I can talk a little about them in my speech. So in Bellingham, I’d talk about supporting their community bill of rights and stopping the Cherry Point coal terminal. In Spokane, I’d talk about stopping the coal trains, giving personhood rights to the Spokane River and supporting their community bill of rights. In the Tri-Cities, I’d talk about cleaning up Hanford, getting rid of nukes and expanding wind power. In New York, I’d talk about ending fracking. Basically, I would bring together local issues with national issues.

Running for president is usually about a year and a half process, but I would make it a two year process so that I can have the first few months all to myself. Once you declare, the maximum donation is $2500 per person. You can give unlimited amounts to a SuperPAC, but to the candidate it’s $2500 once they officially declare. Before announcing, I would meet with Al Gore and Tom Steyer to see if they each could give a few million dollars to get me going with my climate change platform. The first candidates usually start declaring January-March following the mid-term election, but I would declare late July before the mid-term election. I would announce in my hometown of Seattle down at Greenlake, as the three baseball fields and basketball court can fit the thousands that would come to see their hometown guy declare. I would have the appeal of being the first local to run for president and being a U of O grad, so that itself would give me big rallies in Oregon and Washington.

The Democratic Party has Super Delegates that make up 19% of the total delegates, or 38% of what you need to win the nomination. The Super Delegates are the party establishment. Without a single Super Delegate, you would need to win 62% of the normal delegates in order to have 51% of all the delegates to win the nomination. If my main opponent has every Super Delegate, they only need 39% of the normal delegates to win the nomination. I’m not getting any Super Delegates with my platforms, so I need to win at least 62% of the normal delegates. In other words, I need to win an average of 62% of the vote in each state caucus/primary. That means not just winning states, but whooping serious ass and dominating the primaries in a way never before seen. I have to win in massive landslides. I can’t leave anything to chance. Here is my strategy for doing just that.

Once I declare in Seattle in late July, I would spend all of August locking up my home state of Washington. I would go all around the state, even the red parts. I would have a rally at Bellevue High School’s football stadium to win over Bellevue. I’d have a rally at the Tacoma Dome, Western Washington’s football stadium in Bellingham, Olympia, Everett’s hockey arena, Sun Dome in Yakima, Spokane Arena, Martin Stadium in Pullman for southeast Washington, Fort Vancouver, Ellensburg, Moses Lake, Renton, Puyallup Fairgrounds, Kelso, Ocean Shores, Anacortes, Bremerton, Port Angeles, Wenatchee and others. I would finish August with a massive rally at CenturyLink Field. I would lock Washington down. I would reach out to the 35% of eligible Washington voters who don’t vote and get them registered so that I have such huge support that come primary time, I get every single freaking delegate in my home state.

Then that September, I use my appeal as a U of O grad to go all around Oregon and lock that shit down. I’d have rallies in Portland, Eugene, Salem, Astoria, Coos Bay, Medford, Roseburg, Bend, The Dalles, Corvallis, Forest Grove and other towns and cities in Oregon. In Oregon and Washington, I’m not leaving anything to chance. I’m a Cascadian, I’m taking all our delegates. All of them. 100% of them. Heck, Oregon has a lot less people than Washington, so if I can cover Oregon in three weeks, I can spend the last week of September going around Idaho and locking down their primary votes and delegates, as Idaho is part of the Cascadia bioregion.

I would take a campaign break in October and probably take a vacation, as October is when the mid-term election kicks into high gear. Since I’m the only candidate running at this point, I don’t need to utilize the crazy media stunts, so taking a break in October is better than wasting energy competing with mid-term races for attention.

Once it’s a week past mid-term election day and the media attention from it starts to fade, I would hit California and spend two months just trying to lock it down. Rallies in LA, San Diego, San Fran, Oakland, San Jose, Sacramento, Stockton, Fresno, Redding, Bakersfield, Visalia, Santa Barbara, Anaheim, Palm Springs, San Bernardino and others. Everywhere I can possibly go. Rallies all up and down the state for two straight months. California is mine mine mine. The whole west coast is mine.

When I’m done with the two months in California, it’d be around mid-January. This is the earliest that candidates announce they are running, so I would go to the union heavy mid-west Great Lake states and spend two weeks in each of them. Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania and New York. That’s four months, taking me to late May. Spending two weeks in each of them allows me to hit all their key cities for rallies while also trying to get a lot of big union endorsements. Also, my aunts, uncles and cousins who are from Michigan could lock it down for me. They know what to do. I know how to use my big family connections.

After that, beginning in June, I would do a 50 days 50 states campaign tour with a rally in each state. When that finishes, it’d be mid to late July and I’d be exhausted so I’d take a vacation the remainder of July. If the debates start early August like they normally do, I’d spend a week in the state of the debate. Then I would spend the time between the 1st and 2nd debate doing an overseas tour with huge rallies in Europe, Asia, Africa and Latin America. If the debates don’t start until October like they do this year, I’d spend all of August doing the overseas tour.

Once college football season starts on Labor Day weekend, I would spend a week in different states. College football is 14 or 15 weeks long, depending on the year, so during debate season, I’d spend a week in 14 or 15 states. The week of the Army-Navy game, I’d just campaign at the Academy schools and the biggest bases. That would take me to mid-December. Then I would take a one week vacation before finishing the year with seven big rallies in seven days.

The Iowa caucus is the start of February with New Hampshire’s primary a week later, so I’d spend the first week of January in Iowa, then the next week in New Hampshire, and the last two weeks of January back in Iowa. After the Iowa caucus, I’d spend the next week just in New Hampshire. I would hit every state right before their caucus or primary. If a state has a week all to itself, I will spend that whole week having rallies there and reaching out to voters myself. Again, I need to not just win states, but win them in massive landslides because every extra delegate I can get matters.

No general election in at least 30 years has had 60% voter turnout, no election in at least 80 years has had 70% voter turnout and no election in like 90-100 years has had 80% voter turnout, so I would put lots of energy into convincing those voters to come out and help me. The huge percentage of people who don’t vote are most likely far leftists like myself who never have anyone that represents their ideas so they stay out of voting. That’s what Kshama Sawant things, and I’d like to believe it. I am one of them, so I would go get them. They’d give me the landslide wins I need.

The final primary is usually early June, and the national convention is late July, so about eight weeks apart. I would spend a week in Oregon and Washington, then relax at home in Seattle for a month (four weeks), then take a two week vacation before spending the week before the convention having big rallies in the biggest Republican states.

The general election isn’t until early November, so I would have three months, or 12 weeks. I’d spend the first two weeks in the swing states, then the next two weeks in the blue states making sure they are locked down. Then I would spend all of September going around the four biggest Republican states, spending a week in each one having rallies all over. This would be to try to steal them, as my friends and I are complete idiots, but more importantly, it’d be to at the very least create the appearance of vulnerability to the Republican candidate and their SuperPAC’s, thus forcing them to spend key campaign money, resources and time on securing them, taking away important resources and time from the swing states during the final month. Basically, I’d be trying to distract them. Once October hits, I’d spend a week on the west coast before spending the last three weeks in the swing states having rallies everywhere. I would spend election day in Seattle with my victory speech at CenturyLink Field, no matter if it’s raining or not.

Following election day, I would take a vacation the rest of November to get away from everything before returning to Seattle for all of December and just enjoying pretty much my last month at home. Once January starts, I would start putting together my staff and then inauguration day comes and I’m sworn in as president and I get to work right away, starting with a pardon for the great hero Chelsea Manning!

So yea, this would be my campaign strategy! I came up with the schedule on my own. God, Grandpa and The Legend helped come up with the fundraising ideas and media stunts. For a super radical platform, I need a super radical campaign, so yea! I’m not actually ever going to run for president, I wouldn’t want to, but Devon says I should because he’d be my campaign manager and we would totally make all this happen and actually win. I’d rather run as Green if I did, but I wouldn’t be able to win so yea. Anyways, all these thoughts of mine are only because as much as I want to like Bernie Sanders, there’s a lot I don’t like about him, such as his support for the Israeli massacres of Gaza.

Anyways….. vote for me? Does anybody want to endorse Adam Kendall for president 2028?

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